Amy Adams

The Struggle Is REAL

Man and woman sitting closely in a wildflower meadow, holding hands with eyes closed

Holy Spirit has been trying to get me to implement a morning routine for the last few days and today is the first day that I am actually going to complete it. So far, I feel great. I’m happier, more full of joy, and feel like I accomplished so much more today than I did the rest of the week. It truly does wonders for the brain when you have goals you set out to accomplish and reach them.

My morning started off with a prayer walk that turned into a prayer jog. I was able to do a mile the other day, but I have been struggling to breathe in the middle of it and it makes me uncomfortable. Having been a smoker of cigarettes and other things for 17 years, it takes a toll on the lungs. With time, I won’t have trouble catching my breath. Until then, I’m just going to have to push through the struggle. Afterwards, I did a session of Yoga mixed with Pilates, sat down to eat a parfait with my coffee and then got in my Bible.

The book of James has always been one of my favorites, but for some reason I just haven’t read it recently until today. I was talking about it yesterday with a couple of guys at a Bible study and felt compelled to re-read it. I read The Passion Translation today and I really like how it puts one passage:

“If you listen to the Word and don’t live out the message you hear, you become like the person who looks in the mirror of the Word to discover the reflection of His face in the beginning. You perceive how God sees you in the mirror of the Word, but then you go out and forget your divine origin. But those who set their gaze deeply into the perfecting law of liberty are fascinated by and respond to the truth they hear and are strengthened by it—they experience God’s blessings in all that they do!” James 1:23-25 (TPT)

Woman reading the Holy Bible while sitting in a chair near a window with plants

I was always confused about this from the way the other translations put it. It talks about looking into a mirror and forgetting what we look like but I never really got that it was talking more about how God sees us. This is crucial to know and receive if we are to walk in holiness and righteousness. God sees us as His beloved children and sometimes this is hard to receive for those who struggle with rejection, neglect and abandonment from their earthly parents. Not only is it important to see ourselves the way God sees us, but believing and receiving the benefits of Jesus’ death and resurrection on the cross does something else for us too; it made us “holy and blameless as we stand before Him without a single fault.” (Colossians 1:22 emphasis added)

We are completely forgiven of all our sins too, stripping off the guilt and shame that weighs us down. When we come to this realization, it helps love, peace and joy flow from us knowing that we are known and loved by the One who created all things.

“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown Me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Luke 7:47

When you start your relationship with the Holy Spirit and truly walk in total forgiveness that the cross offers, things start to shift. For myself as I’m an introvert, I start talking to strangers more and that’s when I know I have the joy of the Lord. Other times, I find it easier to stay on task and do my chores without any grumbling or complaining. I also find that when I walk in forgiveness towards myself and receive the forgiveness Father God gives me, I’m less offended and more willing to forgive others when they hurt me. I’m more patient with myself and others. Also, when I’m driving, I’m less aggressive. My entire personality changes into the new creation God gives those who receive His Son’s sacrifice and Holy Spirit.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Walking in obedience is crucial to maintaining this new demeanor. You are constantly fighting with the flesh and depending on how often you feed the flesh is how hard the fight is. Someone who has already been disciplined most of their life won’t struggle nearly as much to fight their flesh because they’ve had practice saying “no.” But for those who have indulged the flesh by overeating, sleeping in, doing drugs and/or alcohol, binge watching TV, doom scrolling and more lazy ways of getting your dopamine fix, the road to successfully mastering your flesh is harder. But when you do, OH MY GOODNESS!

I always feel such a huge shift in my mood and day when I walk in obedience towards God and I don’t give in to the desires of my flesh. It’s incredible. You would think that after so many days of walking in obedience, I wouldn’t struggle as much anymore but it’s still a challenge because I have been so used to giving into my flesh. With time, I know it will get easier to say “no” to the flesh and easier to say “yes” to the Spirit. Today is one of those days where I said “yes” and I feel so much better than I did any day this week that I decided to sleep in and not go for my prayer walk.

“I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” Romans 7:21-25 (NLT)

Antique balance scale with life represented by flowers and natural elements on one side and a skull labeled death on the other

“I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Therefore, choose life, that you and your offspring may live.” Deuteronomy 30:19

It’s amazing how much “the struggle is real.” When we are in Christ and walking in the Spirit, we are full of the highest levels of consciousness: love, joy, peace and creativity. With Holy Spirit to lead, guide and nurture us, we can live a life full of blessings we could only dream of having. But better than that, when we walk in the blessings of God, we start to be a blessing to others. God’s main and first priority is to heal our hearts. He does this so we can fall in love with Him even more than when He saved us from our old lives. When we are fully dedicated and devoted to Him, we naturally become love like He is love and start to pour into others without much effort. We are giving because we are overflowing with His love. If you feel like you are empty and don’t have anything else to give to others, just be with God and let Him heal you. Then and only then, can you pour into others.

“Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgement, because as He is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:15-19

Where Is My Mind?

Woman using turquoise vintage typewriter on wooden table at beach

I used to love writing. What happened? When did it start feeling like a chore and less like a hobby? When did my passion for writing die or dwindle? I think I can pinpoint it started after getting hooked on kratom and failing as a writer a few years ago. Ever since, most days, it has been more of a chore and a reason to get God “off my back” than anything. Not that God is the kind of God to continuously hound you about something. I just know He likes it when I write and so I do.

But where is the passion and creativity I once had? Where is the drive and love behind what I write? Some days I can tell you that I do still enjoy writing, but the last few days, I have dreaded it. I have honestly felt extremely uninspired lately. I know God wants me to start writing a book and potentially finish writing another, but my passion for this has dwindled.

I have even started writing poetry again, something I used to do when I was little, when I went to school and when I was doing meth almost 20 years ago. Some of the poems were really good, but I’m just wondering right now, why can’t I seem to shake this dry spell that I am having?

This is truly something I have to take to God in prayer because writing like this just isn’t going to cut it anymore. I am an artist and a writer created and knit together by the BEST Artist and BEST Writer. No one compares to the creative styling of God Almighty. When Him and I are in tune, our talents blend together into something spectacular and almost magical. He does that with all of His children who have a relationship with Him.

But maybe, this is just the dry season where not much is growing. Maybe this is the time of rest where I am supposed to find my drive again and not feel obligated to write. I have heard Holy Spirit speak a lot that “this is the refreshing” and I really think that I’m just so used to earning that it’s been unfamiliar and challenging to just abide and let Him love me. It’s hard to just let Him heal the broken parts and be my Provider and my Abba.

At the end of the day, I just don’t trust Him to rest enough and I can tell you this: I’m tired. I’m tired of performing. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t do enough to be seen by Him. I’m tired of hearing sooooo many voices telling me this, telling me that, and making me more confused than before. It almost feels like a see-saw of information, one idea swaying one way and one idea swaying another.

I just want to align myself with what God wants. I am tired of performing and I just want to abide. Getting hooked on kratom for so long makes me feel like I’m so far behind, because the healing should have taken place years ago when I first met Holy Spirit. But it’s only just now that we can start this healing journey, and believe me, I want to heal. I’m so tired of the brokenness I feel. I just want to be whole and complete so that I can help others do the same.

I feel like this is the legitimate first blog I have posted that isn’t about a particular subject. This is just me, raw and unashamed to admit that I have issues, insecurities, and a tiredness that I know God is going to handle up on. It’s not “if” but “when” with Him. I think I needed to get this out on paper in order to release it to Him, myself and to just be raw and transparent. This walk isn’t easy, but with Holy Spirit, it becomes less of a challenge and more of a journey of healing that only He can bring.

Time to stop striving.

Time to start abiding.

Time to stop forcing myself to write.

Time to let Holy Spirit corroborate with me to create a masterpiece that will help other people struggling with trauma and addiction.

Time to live a life that I could only dream or imagine and one that is worthy of the sacrifice Jesus made for me 2000 years ago.

Time to be free. Time to be me.

Fitness and Faith

Man dressed in ancient robe coaching weightlifter bench pressing weights — Jesus helps encourage and spots a weightlifter at the gym.

Recently, I have been going to a fitness class at the church I attend, and they are talking about how you can incorporate spiritual disciplines from physical disciplines. Some of those disciplines encompass strength training, cardio, mobility, and even fasting. Working out has been something that the Holy Spirit has been pushing me to do since I first started talking to Him. Now I understand why it’s so important to work out. It’s so cool how God works.

“Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come.” 1 Timothy 4:8

This class has taught me that physical training can also be spiritual training for godliness itself. Working out crucifies the flesh and gives room for your soul to get stronger and your spirit to align with Holy Spirit easier. Personally, for me, coming out of addiction left me weak-minded and depleted every single time I stopped. God was merciful enough to build me back up every time I slipped and fell.

Strength training in the physical helps you to carry heavier loads in the spiritual. God can and does use any means necessary to help us get into shape mentally so that we can bear the load of the calling He has placed upon us. For someone like me who has been worn down by the enemy and filled with lies that I’m weak-minded, strength training is a good way for me and anyone to push themselves to the limit and show themselves that they’re capable of anything.

Cardio is a way for us to push past our limits and keep going even when we feel like quitting. Running a mile is quite difficult for a lot of people, but it is something everyone would benefit from being able to do. God might eventually call you to run a few miles to learn endurance and how well your body and mind can perform under pressure. It’s not about sprinting miles in the spirit but learning to pace yourself so that you can finish the race well. However, an all-out sprint is physically beneficial for increasing HGH and improving your cardiovascular health.

Runners crossing finish line at city marathon with cheering crowd — Runners cross the finish line

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1, 2

Whether we are talking about a physical race or a spiritual one, I truly believe running in the physical helps prepare us for running our spiritual race too. It is so important to have the discipline of running a simple mile just to maintain some kind of athletic and spiritual fitness. After having successfully ran a mile today and did some sprints afterwards, I’m going to go for 2 miles in a couple of days and then for 3 miles. Eventually, I plan on getting to run 5 miles or more. I used to be able to run 3 miles in high school and I know that my body is more than capable of doing that again. It just takes time, practice, and belief.

Mobility like stretching and yoga is so good for your body to get limber and not be so tight. Not only that, stretching and/or yoga helps to release trauma and tension from the body that you have been holding onto, stored memories in the body that you have no idea about. Some research suggests that most events get in stored in the brain by the hippocampus, but the most traumatic ones get pushed down into the body and stored in the fascia. This is why some people have no recollection of the traumatic events they’ve been through, but ultimately, the body keeps the score.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and save the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

God can and does use many ways to help restore and heal us back to wholeness. With the help of the Holy Spirit, He takes the broken soul we come to Him with and repairs it back to a completeness that can only come from knowing Him. Yoga and therapy can only go so far and sometimes even make it worse if not done properly. You can become dependent on yoga and/or therapy can open wounds that your mind wasn’t ready to process yet. This is why it is so important to let God lead and guide the healing process. If you will let Him and don’t try to rush the process like I have done, He will redeem the trauma and pain that you have been through and make you a godly man or woman of God.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8, 9

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Psalm 23

Couple sitting on a blanket in a meadow at night, looking at stars and the crescent moon

The Power of the Tongue

close up shot of a woman with lilac flowers on her tongue — Photo by Anna Avilova on Pexels.com

The mouth can be something beneficial to us or detrimental. I have grown up learning how to use my mouth for destruction and tearing people down, including myself. I asked Holy Spirit last night what was one thing He didn’t like about me and He responded: your mouth. In all honesty, my mouth is something I don’t like about myself either, so I can see why Holy Spirit doesn’t like it either.

“And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison… From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.” James 3:6-8, 10

For one thing, I have struggled to quit cussing my entire walk with Him, mainly because I live with people that cuss all the time. It is hard to remove that from your life when you are around it all the time, but with God, all things are possible. I have learned how to live around a smoker and successfully quit smoking. I have lived around a drinker and successfully not drink. Not that I haven’t had slips here and there, but I pray that these examples are signs that one day, I will stop cussing and not look back.

Why does one cuss? I believe for me, it’s to get a point across, be more expressive when saying something, or put an exclamation point on how I feel about something. I have also used cussing as a way to express my anger or displeasure strongly. That, however, is not the way God does things and no longer the way I want to do things.

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)

“Obscene stories, foolish talk, and course jokes—These are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshipping the things of this world.” Ephesians 5:4, 5 (NLT)

Young man and woman shouting at each other outdoors on city sidewalk

There really is no need to cuss or use vulgar language to talk about something or especially someone. I grew up listening to people gossip and slander other people. I in turn learned how to gossip and slander other people too, sometimes to their face, most of the time it was behind their backs. Talking bad about people is costly to the person doing the talking. Eventually, it comes back on them because it’s an open door in the spirit realm. Most people have no idea the headaches they have are because of how they talk about other people. I also grew up hearing people cuss, fight and bicker at one another. They did it because they didn’t know any better and before I met Jesus, neither did I. God loves us where we’re at, but it doesn’t mean He wants us to stay in our old ways.

“A gossip goes around telling secrets, so don’t hang around with chatterers. If you insult your father or mother, your light will be snuffed out in total darkness.” Proverbs 20:19-20

We are supposed to implement God’s word and ways into our daily lives. This is what it means to transform and renew your mind. Without spending time with Holy Spirit and getting into God’s word, a lot of people never change their heart or how they speak about others. How you speak about yourself is also equally important.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

If you are hyper critical of other people and impatient, odds are that you are hyper critical about yourself too. Mistakes are a part of life, and no one is immune to making them. However, some people, myself included, are pretty harsh towards themselves when they make mistakes. I am just now learning how to not talk down on myself and not talk down on other people. It has been easier not talking about other people than myself if I’m going to be honest. But God is gracious and He has been working with me about holding my tongue and not saying bad things about myself or anyone and it has been working out in my favor.

“Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21 (ESV)

Positive self-talk and biblical declarations have been a huge help in reshaping my mind. Some of the ways God has shown me help them stick even better is through saying it while I’m working out or fasting, when we are pushing our bodies to the limit and we go into autophagy. Our bodies and our brain absorb it a lot better when the body is in autophagy, which is basically spring cleaning for your cells. Sometimes, this is why God will ask some people to go on an extended fast. It is to help shed the old mindsets and replace them with the new godly mindsets that are in God’s word. Changing our words and our minds can be challenging, but with time they will completely reshape us into a new creation that no longer lives for ourselves, but for God and others.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Woman in green dress with a glowing figure with outstretched arms behind her at dusk

Salvation

Woman kneeling and praying reverently before two crowned kings with glowing halos in a grand stone hall — A woman overwhelmed with gratitude, kneels before Father God and Jesus.

“Even though you were once distant from Him, living in the shadows of your evil thoughts and actions, He reconnected you back to Himself. He released His supernatural peace to you through the sacrifice of His own body as the sin-payment on your behalf so that you would dwell in His presence. And now there is nothing between you and Father God, for He sees you as holy, flawless, and restored, if indeed you continue to advance in faith, assured of a firm foundation to grow upon. Never be shaken from the hope of the gospel you have believed in…” Colossians 1:21-23 (TPT)

When I read these words, my mind believes it, but my heart is still having a hard time receiving these words. What kind of religion says that all of our sins are forgiven or that we are already considered flawless, holy and restored the minute we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior? All other religions require works and if you are “good enough” and “did enough” at the end of your life, you might get into the afterlife or come back as something better (reincarnation).

But this works-based mindset is dangerous with Christianity. Jesus Christ was perfect and sinless while here on earth and became the perfect sacrifice to atone for ALL OF OUR SINS: past, present and future for anyone and everyone who would believe.

After receiving this revelation and accepting Jesus as Savior King, you begin to get indwelled with the Holy Spirit, the same Spirit that Jesus had and the exact same One that raised Jesus Christ from the dead. When that revelation hits you, you start to move and think differently and realize that you have something and someone very special dwelling inside of you.

“But when the Father sends the Advocate as My representative—That is, the Holy Spirit—He will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.” John 14:26

White dove glowing with radiant light flying over a river valley at sunset — Holy Spirit.

Most people think that life is hunky dory and everything is going to be rainbows, sunshine, and carefree living after receiving Jesus Christ as Savior and the Holy Spirit as your confidant. But they’re wrong. Life gets harder when you start to follow Jesus. Most people have this mindset that as long as you say the prayer and “click your heels 3 times,” you don’t have to change to get into heaven. This is a lie that has been pumped into the American church by none other than the devil himself, and it has settled in the church for far too long. The church back when it first started was bold and persecuted. Now, we are persecuted for speaking biblical truth and are told that we are close-minded and that Jesus loves everyone as they are.

It is true that Jesus loves everyone, but He loves everyone too much to keep them in the state He found them in. If you are on your deathbed, Jesus will take you to heaven and you don’t necessarily have to change but if He saved you from drug addiction, imminent death, etc., after Holy Spirit has had time to heal you and make you stronger, you will have the urge to replicate what God did for you and help other people.

With the help of the Holy Spirit, He moves broken, battered, bruised, and confused people into new life. The hurt and broken become whole and then go on to help others who are broken too. God takes whatever we have been through and uses it to reach the people we once related to. This can only happen after Holy Spirit has had some time to work with you and show you the ways of God.

“Jesus answered, ‘The most important is, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is One. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” The second is this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” There is no other commandment greater than these.’” Mark 12:29-31 (ESV)

My personal journey, I have struggled with addiction, rejection, homelessness, neglect, verbal abuse, growing up with volatile parents, my own anger and rage issues and more. I have loved people too much who don’t deserve it, have talked to people that most people would be afraid to talk to, and done drugs in a way that most people never come back from…

BUT GOD.

Man offering hot soup to homeless woman sitting on sidewalk with cat and bags — Jesus shares hot soup with a homeless woman on the city street.

True salvation is a free gift. However, obedience is required to stay in the will of God and to receive the anointing required for your calling. I have noticed that I tend to not like writing when I stop writing for too long. If I miss a day, like I did yesterday, I feel off the next day. I am sure that once I am faithful for long enough in this blog, God is going to have me start writing a book about trauma and healing from it.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33 (ESV)

Only God knows how to navigate us through this life so we can end up safely home in heaven at the end of it. There are demons waiting to pull us away from God so that we slowly fall away from Him and into their well thought out traps and snares. God will always track you down and rescue you when you cry out for help. But, the devil will stop at nothing to derail you, make you question your faith and forfeit your destiny. I have also come to find that the more you stay in the will of God, the less the attacks bother you and the less frequent they are.

“The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and delivers them.” Psalm 34:7

This is why it is so important to stay grounded in Jesus Christ and the sacrifice He made on the cross. This is the foundation for which everything else in the Christian walk rests upon. Without Christ, we would put our salvation on our circumstances, our accomplishments and our shortcomings. We must walk in obedience to receive eternal life and live a life we could only dream of living. Salvation is the free gift but maintaining it requires loving God and walking in His love. We do this by walking in obedience to His truth and doing what He personally tells you to do or not to do.

“Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.” Philippians 2:12 (NLT)

“Our faith in Jesus transfers God’s righteousness to us and he now declares us flawless in his eyes. This means we can now enjoy true and lasting peace with God, all because of what our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One, has done for us. Our faith guarantees us permanent access into this marvelous kindness that has given us a perfect relationship with God. What incredible joy bursts forth within us as we keep on celebrating our hope of experiencing God’s glory! But that’s not all! Even in times of trouble we have a joyful confidence, knowing that our pressures will develop in us patient endurance. And patient endurance will refine our character, and proven character leads us back to hope. And this hope is not a disappointing fantasy, because we can now experience the endless love of God cascading into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who lives in us! For when the time was right, the Anointed One came and died to demonstrate his love for sinners who were entirely helpless, weak, and powerless to save themselves.” Romans 5:1-6 (TPT)

Processing Pain

Crying woman in gray sweatshirt pouring pills into toilet bowl — A woman is freed from addiction because of Jesus.

My entire adult like, I have struggled with addiction. Even after I met God, I got off methamphetamines and heroin and got onto kratom. My childhood was the “perfect” model of what not to do when things got hard: numb out and don’t acknowledge your feelings and under no circumstances think it’s safe to share them with anyone. Just recently, I have been able to maintain a better time being sober in 2026 than I have in the past 5 years I have been walking with God.

There have been times when I would self-sabotage and screw up because the pain felt too much or the fear felt too real and revert back to taking kratom, smoking cigarettes, or drinking alcohol to take the edge off. It helps for a minute, but I always end up feeling worse than before. Also, the enemy just feels like he’s bearing down on me so much worse to the point I have immense depression and anxiety either while I’m relapsing or in the days that follow.

“Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.” 1 Peter 2:11

Honestly, it has been extremely frustrating for me, and it feels like it has been extremely frustrating for God too, but maybe I’m just being too hypercritical. God is patient and the times that I took those substances was never for more than a couple of days at a time in 2026. I am not justifying it, but I know God tends to be less harsh with me than I am with myself.

I grew up with angry parents so my default when I mess up is thinking that God is angry with me. Most of the time, I later find out that God was frustrated and/or grieved but not angry. There is a difference. But the crazy thing is once I apologize, He never brings it up again to rub in my face, something my parents would do when they were angry at me for something different.

“The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness” Exodus 34:6

Volcanic mountain erupting with glowing figure and lightning, people gathered below — Mount Sinai

I am still getting used to God’s correction and discipline being done out of love and not out of raw emotion. He is such a good Dad, and I have had a really hard time grasping just how good of a Father God really is. All He wants from me is to process the pain with Him, rather than shoving it down or numbing myself like I was unintentionally taught to do growing up.

But I do have one thing to say: ADDICTION ENDS WITH ME.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

No more curses that come from hiding feelings and numbing out with drugs and alcohol will stay in my family. God chose ME. I am the youngest and the least out of every one of my family members.

“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong.” 1 Corinthians 1:27

God has shown me a better way, but I’m still getting used to it. Sometimes, it involves going to the secret place with Holy Spirit and He extracts out of me what needs to come out and what has been bothering me. Other times, it involves telling a friend. I have noticed when something is at the surface, it can also show up as physical pain.

Our bodies hold onto trauma from infancy all the way into adulthood if it’s left unchecked. Numbing yourself only pushes it down. People who are extremely angry and/or violent are some of the most wounded and hurting people out there. The only way they handle their pain is to hurt other people. The old saying is true: hurt people hurt people.

^“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21

This is why it’s so important to try and not get offended when someone hurts you. 99% of the time, it’s because of how they were already feeling at the time, not just because of what you did. Someone who is perfectly healthy in their mind is not going to go out of their way to hurt someone. Someone who has deep soul wounds that have never been addressed has a soul that is full of infected scabs and open wounds that are tender to the touch. Imagine sticking your finger in someone’s open wound on purpose; they wouldn’t react very nicely to that in the physical sense. That’s what happens when you trigger someone emotionally, it’s like you’re sticking a finger in the open wound in their soul. You may have triggered them in some way or someone else triggered them earlier and you’re receiving the blowback from it.

I am working towards being whole, and I have been making a lot of progress this year. I have been running from the ways of God for almost 6 years, deceiving myself by thinking kratom made me act like a better Christian because I had a “better demeanor” that didn’t last and always got worse. But this is the year I stop and face my past with nothing to numb it. This is the year where I actually surrender and don’t pretend to be a better person, but be a better person because of the Holy Spirit.

I have something better than kratom. I have a God who is willing to heal me and not just cover it up like I have been doing my entire life. He is an incredible God and Father and all He wants is to heal us and serve us so that we may go and do likewise.

^“Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28

“Bless the Lord, O my soul

And forget not all His benefits:

Who forgives all your iniquities,

Who heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from destruction,

Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,

Who satisfies your mouth with good things,

So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

The Lord executes righteousness

And justice for all who are oppressed.”

-Psalm 103:2-6

Man placing a golden crown on a woman's head inside a church with stained glass windows — Jesus crowns a woman with the crown of life after withstandhing the test.

Surrender to Love

Woman kneeling and touching feet of a man dressed in biblical robes in a desert village — A woman kneels at the feet of Jesus, symbolizing forgiveness, healing, and surrender.

What does surrender look like?

I have been asking myself that question lately. Does it look like perfection and when you mess up you have to start all over again? Does it look like something sustainable that some only pick up on while others struggle with for the rest of their lives? What does it mean to deny yourself?

“If any of you wants to be My follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” Matthew 16:24, 25 (NLT)

OR The Message Translation goes like this: “Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. ‘Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?’”

I have really been struggling again lately to keep from picking up the idols that God has already had me surrender and I worry because I know that they’re bad. One of them is cigarettes/vape and the other is kratom. I have not had them consistently since I have lost my job, but I am tired of self-sabotaging myself. I know that God is forgiving and merciful and He only wants what is best for me, but I am also concerned about when is enough enough?

I refuse to go back to consistently doing those things, but I also don’t want to go back to doing them even a little bit. I know His mercy endures forever and He is kind, loving and slow to anger, but I wonder half the time am I being too hard on myself or is this conviction a sign that I’m grieving Holy Spirit? Can it be both? Can God be loving and hurting at the same time because of my actions?

I know for someone like me, He has been gentler with me than I’ve heard Him being with other people when they screw up. Everyone responds differently to different teaching/loving techniques. Some need to be pushed while some need to be nurtured. You push someone who needs nurturing, you will push them further away from you. You nurture someone who needs the push, they will start walking all over you.

So maybe the answer is this: I know I need nurturing because I never had the proper nurturing I needed growing up. Maybe the love of a good Father and nurturing Holy Spirit is what I need as opposed to an over-bearing, hypercritical, pushy Father. I know in my head that God is none of those things, but my heart still has a hard time believing and receiving this truth. I also know that sometimes when nurturing isn’t working, the fear of the Lord has kept me from doing something stupid too. It’s a balance.

Does anyone else out here ever feel like after trying so hard and we fall short that it’s the end of the world and God is through with us? I do.

Almost every time. But maybe, just maybe, God’s grace is sufficient for me as long as I don’t take advantage of the wonderful grace God’s sacrifice on the cross gave me. He gave cascading grace to all of us. It is always and will always be about the cross. None of my accomplishments could earn me a way into heaven just as none of my mistakes can earn me a way into hell, as long as I turn back to the Lord and get back in right-standing with Him.

“And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” Romans 7:18-25 (NLT)

Jesus and blonde man holding hands smiling walking road

We are not ever meant to walk this walk of righteousness in our own strength. We are also not meant to take God’s grace and mercy as a license to sin. However, there is a sweet saving grace that takes place when we have a moment of weakness and we accidentally sin against our Savior. The farther away we are from Him, the more likely we are going to sin against Him. The closer we are to Him, the less likely we are going to sin against Him.

This is why the Father wants our hearts and minds to be close to His. He doesn’t want our actions if there’s no real love behind it. He wants children that want to spend time with Him and learn from Him, not so we can perform and spread the gospel but so we can love Him wholeheartedly and love others as we love ourselves so that we can spread the message of the love of the Father to others.

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.” 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (MSG)

Providence

Jesus crucified on a wooden cross with a crown of thorns and wounds under dark storm clouds with lightning — A powerful depiction of the crucifixion of Jesus under a stormy sky with lightning strikes.

God has been blowing my mind lately. I have always struggled with the idea of salvation and what the cross actually means. I have struggled to maintain my joy, basing it on my circumstances rather than the revelation of the cross and what Jesus did for me, for all of us. Once I grasped this revelation, the joy of knowing what Jesus did for me caused my attitude to go from below baseline to joyful.

At the present time, I am currently unemployed and have no idea when I will have another job. But the thing that is different this time than the last time I was in a tight spot like this is peace and joy that transcends understanding. I know that God will provide for me and He will do that in ways that I can expect and ways that I never saw coming. Providence is one of the many perks of making God your friend and confidant.

Providence is the protective care of God that can be given through guidance, foresight, and unexplained prosperity and abundance. When you have the favor of the Lord, things become easier than they would be if you didn’t have God in your corner.

“And all these blessings will come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God.” Deuteronomy 28:2

Obey in Hebrew is Shema and it means to “listen and do, hear and answer, to render obedience.” God expects you to do two things above all else: Love Him with your heart, soul and strength and love people as you love yourself. Then, comes certain things that God will ask you to do because He knows it will progress you farther in life. For me, that includes waking up early in the morning to be with Him, having prayer before bed, and writing. It also includes staying away from certain things that God has asked me to stay away from because they are harmful to me in various ways like alcohol, cigarettes, and kratom. I also can’t get into TV shows or read fiction books until I grow more of my fruit of self-control.

Jesus teaching crowd near olive tree on hill

These things are what He has freed me from or doesn’t serve me anymore. I doubt He will ever find it acceptable for me to smoke cigarettes again, but there may come a time when Holy Spirit tells me it’s okay to drink alcohol when going out occasionally or take kratom sparingly for pain. But for right now, this season is one of consecration and dedication to God. Those substances get in the way of all of that. I have also come to find that it’s not necessarily about the substance but if I use that substance for a crutch or a replacement for God. That’s when He really dislikes what it does to me. It consumes me.

God longs to bless me, but He cannot bless me when I’m stuck in idolatry. So, by the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I will abstain from whatever He tells me to and do whatever I’m asked. I’m done with seasons of lack and poverty. My season of friendship, true friendship, with God will bring about prosperity and abundance so that I can be a blessing to others and not a nuisance like I have been.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

I can’t stress enough that it isn’t about earning His righteousness but accepting the righteousness that Christ won for you on the cross. When I walk in that knowledge, something shifts and I start walking in the Spirit and walking in love more easily than I can doing it in my own strength. It truly is about everything He has done and nothing about what I do because of the freedom He won for me so that I can call Him Abba and He can call me daughter. His grip on me at times is more than my grip on Him. No one can snatch me out of His hands.

“I give to them the gift of eternal life and they will never be lost and no one has the power to snatch them out of my hands. My Father, who has given them to me as His gift, is the mightiest of all, and no one has the power to snatch them from My Father’s care.” John 10:28, 29 (TPT)

When I remember this simple truth, I remember that it doesn’t matter what I do right or what I do wrong, what matters is the cross. What comes from the cross is freedom, sonship, and a relationship with the God who created the heavens and the earth. When you fixate on this truth and stay in close proximity to the Holy Spirit, you receive eternal life and walk in a completely different way than you ever thought possible.

“Eternal life means to know and experience you as the only true God, and to know and experience Jesus Christ, as the Son whom you sent.” John 17:3 (TPT)

Man in traditional robes hugging a young girl in a garden — Jesus lovingly embraces a young girl in a peaceful garden setting

Hardness of Heart

Sculptor carving an illuminated anatomical heart inside a stone heart sculpture — Jesus digs out a glowing heart inside a stone heart caused by sin.

Sin causes a world of trouble. God absolutely abhors sin. I have been one of the unfortunate ones who have continuously gotten caught up in the snare the devil has set out for me. By the time I realize that I’ve gotten caught in habitual sin, the hold becomes incredibly strong on me and God sometimes has to step in to rescue me. Fortunately, I get released from the grip of sin. Unfortunately, by the time I get released, my heart is extremely hard and resentful towards God. It’s not fair to Him that I feel like that, but I do and my feelings don’t surprise Him. It’s painful for me to even admit that it’s how I feel, but this is why He is so serious about us staying away from sin and keeping our hands clean and our hearts pure.

Hardness of heart is no joke. This is why God hates us walking in unrepentant sin. It puts a wedge in between us and God and it takes time for God to soften the heart sin has hardened. One of the quickest ways to soften it is to fast from food. It crucifies your flesh and helps Holy Spirit to remove demons that came and got access to you from continuing in sin.

Fasting is what He always seems to have me do when I get caught in the snare of the enemy from sinning against Him. Another fruitful way to soften your heart is to devote time to prayer and just making time to be with Him and letting His glory pass over you to soften your heart. Praying also in tongues helps bring your spirit man to the surface.

Woman praying with hands clasped while man in robe comforts her in church pew — A woman finds solace as Jesus offers gentle support of her returning to Him.

I am not proud to say it, but I have experienced just how detrimental sin can be to our walk with God. I know that He will use my experience for good to warn others when He can trust me enough to walk in obedience. We gain God’s trust by choosing to walk in obedience to His written word and specific things He tells us to do and not to do.

I have gained and lost His trust multiple times. I feel like such an idiot for the number of times that I have risen and fallen. I have been tossed back and forth by deceitful spirits getting the best of my ignorance. Not only that, they tell me what I want to hear and sometimes my heart really knows that it’s not God, but I go ahead and do it anyway because it’s easier. Anything gained the easy way is probably a step away from God. God knows the uphill battle is hard and the downhill fall is easy.

God gave me the analogy one time as I was going down a hill, then later I went back up the same hill. He told me that it’s a lot easier to go downhill than it is to go uphill. It’s the truth in the physical realm and in the spiritual realm. Sin seems so much easier to get away with in the beginning, until it starts to consume you and God must step in and help you quit. Think about it. It’s easier to say yes to what your flesh wants over what your spirit wants, as long as you keep indulging your flesh.

But it gets easier to do what the Spirit wants than the flesh when you continue to strengthen your spirit man. It’s a battle that will go on for the rest of your life. It is always good to make sure that your spirit man gets fed over your flesh, otherwise your heart will harden towards God and you might get stuck in the trap the devil sets for you.

When you pursue Jesus and keep Him at the center of your life, things will fall into place. Your spirit will get fed and your flesh will stay crucified. You may lose some battles, but as long as your trust is in Jesus Christ and His precious blood, you can be guaranteed that you will win the war.

The Manner of God’s Love

A man and woman embracing warmly under an olive tree in a rural landscape — Jesus and a woman share a warm, peaceful hug beneath an olive tree in a rustic countryside setting.

“Look with wonder at the depth of the Father’s marvelous love that he has lavished on us! He has called us and made us his very own beloved children. The reason the world doesn’t recognize who we are is that they didn’t recognize him. Beloved, we are God’s children right now; however, it is not yet apparent what we will become. But we do know that when it is finally made visible, we will be just like him, for we will see him as he truly is. And all who focus their hope on him will always be purifying themselves, just as Jesus is pure.” 1 John 3:1-3 (TPT)

Truth is relevant. Sometimes it feels like a teeter totter, but ultimately God’s truth stands the test of time. God’s ways are not our ways and God’s thoughts are not our thoughts but when we live in Christ, we slowly and radically become like Him. We have the mind of Christ when we are walking in the Spirit and rest on the assurance that His love covers a multitude of sins: past, present and future.

With the love of God, we have assurance. The things we know, we need to drill down on. We need to really lock into the idea of what the love of God can do for us and through us. Whoever knows God, the love of God is perfected in him. Whatever we ask, He hears us. When we believe in the love of God and receive it, we change from the inside out and start to walk in a godly manner that others start to take note of.

“This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do what pleases Him. And this is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as He commanded us.” 1 John 3:19-23 (ESV)

We tend to condemn ourselves for any of the many mistakes we make. Condemn means to be legally unfit for habitation. When we walk in condemnation, we are not walking in the love of Christ. We make our problems and our sins bigger than His love and His grace and mercy. We cannot keep on walking in condemnation when we come to realize just how big the love of God is towards us. We can’t keep walking in unrepentant sin either. It gets too uncomfortable to the point we turn back from our wicked ways and turn back to Him.

“Those who have been born into God’s family do to make a practice of sinning, because God’s life is in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God.” 1 John 3:9 (NLT)

A man thoughtfully throwing prescription pill bottles into a trash can while comforted by a supportive figure — Jesus comforts a young man discarding pills into a trash can

When we fellowship with God and other believers, we are comforted and our hearts feel lighter because we’re accepted by God and by other people. We are made for significance. We are made to reign and have dominion. Our significance gets out of alignment when our belonging to God gets out of sight. Sinning can and will do that if we continue in it. It’s like a huge warning beacon goes off reminding us to return to our heavenly Father in sincere repentance and change our way of thinking to align with His way of thinking. We are His and sinning doesn’t change that, but it can wage war on our souls if we continue in it.

“Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your souls.” 1 Peter 2:11 (ESV)

“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22 (ESV)

Significance is solved when our hearts are clear about belonging, not only to God as His beloved children, but fellowshipping with other believers. We are in a world that doesn’t accept us and rejects the way God sees and thinks about people. We need other children of God to edify and correct us when we go off the beaten path. God will always chase us down and bring us back home, even when we are walking in shame. His character would have no one be lost to the darkness and that all would seek repentance and turn back towards His marvelous light.

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own special possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9 (ESV)

Abiding is to actively receive and trust in His unfailing love. Abiding also means participating and sitting at His feet and can also mean when we are moved to compassion by other people.

To behold Him is to be riveted by His love. The love we’re talking about is worth beholding and modeling after. What if we’re approaching it out of a work mindset instead of a love mindset? That means we are working and doing for the kingdom to get His love when it is already there for us to receive.

“Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore, the world knoweth us not, because it knew Him not. Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when He shall appear, we shall be like Him; for we shall see Him as He is.” 1 John 3:1, 2 (KJV)

Jesus sitting with children and villagers in an ancient village setting — Jesus warmly invites young and old to be His children.

God bestows His love on us freely. It’s not out of striving or anything that we’ve done, God’s love is a free gift, with no stipulations. He made this love accessible when Jesus Christ chose the cross and died a horrific death for our sins. He was then raised back to life to show that He was truly the Son of God. He did all of this from the love He felt for all humanity. When you grasp the love of God and receive His love, you receive a gift. Living with the assurance of the Father’s love is paramount to living a life surrendered to Him. What would happen if you were overshadowed by the love of God?

Seeing someone and knowing they love God is not by what they say but by how they carry themselves. Are they walking in love? You can’t really walk in love when you don’t feel like you are loved and wanted. Believe me, I have tried. When I fully grasp the Father’s love, it is so much easier to carry myself with the love He does. Fear has been a major hindrance to me receiving the love of the Father.

“But those who embraced Him and took hold of His name were given authority to become the children of God!” John 1:12 (TPT)

This love is miracle love! This is a love that makes the violent sinner clean, changes the heart of our enemies, pours out oil on the feet of Jesus. It is expansive, inclusive and filled with precious gifts and promises. It persuades the world that Jesus was sent by His Father to save us! When the world sees that love, there’s hope for the world… There’s a difference between quoting the love of God and being bestowed with the love of God. Quoting the love of God means you know it in your head but being bestowed means knowing it and receiving it in your heart.

For too long I have quoted the love of God and gotten nowhere. It is time to dig deep into the recesses of my soul and believe and receive His love. Then and only then can I live a life surrendered to Him, walking in the truth of His love so that I’m able to receive it and bestow it on other people. We are not meant to keep this love to ourselves. It was meant to be shared, but you can’t share what you don’t believe you have. So receive the Father’s love and let it consume your heart!

Isaiah 62:4 ESV: “You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her, and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married.”