I used to love writing. What happened? When did it start feeling like a chore and less like a hobby? When did my passion for writing die or dwindle? I think I can pinpoint it started after getting hooked on kratom and failing as a writer a few years ago. Ever since, most days, it has been more of a chore and a reason to get God “off my back” than anything. Not that God is the kind of God to continuously hound you about something. I just know He likes it when I write and so I do.

            But where is the passion and creativity I once had? Where is the drive and love behind what I write? Some days I can tell you that I do still enjoy writing, but the last few days, I have dreaded it. I have honestly felt extremely uninspired lately. I know God wants me to start writing a book and potentially finish writing another, but my passion for this has dwindled.

            I have even started writing poetry again, something I used to do when I was little, when I went to school and when I was doing meth almost 20 years ago. Some of the poems were really good, but I’m just wondering right now, why can’t I seem to shake this dry spell that I am having?

            This is truly something I have to take to God in prayer because writing like this just isn’t going to cut it anymore. I am an artist and a writer created and knit together by the BEST Artist and BEST Writer. No one compares to the creative styling of God Almighty. When Him and I are in tune, our talents blend together into something spectacular and almost magical. He does that with all of His children who have a relationship with Him.

            But maybe, this is just the dry season where not much is growing. Maybe this is the time of rest where I am supposed to find my drive again and not feel obligated to write. I have heard Holy Spirit speak a lot that “this is the refreshing” and I really think that I’m just so used to earning that it’s been unfamiliar and challenging to just abide and let Him love me. It’s hard to just let Him heal the broken parts and be my Provider and my Abba.

            At the end of the day, I just don’t trust Him to rest enough and I can tell you this: I’m tired. I’m tired of performing. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t do enough to be seen by Him. I’m tired of hearing sooooo many voices telling me this, telling me that, and making me more confused than before. It almost feels like a see-saw of information, one idea swaying one way and one idea swaying another.

            I just want to align myself with what God wants. I am tired of performing and I just want to abide. Getting hooked on kratom for so long makes me feel like I’m so far behind, because the healing should have taken place years ago when I first met Holy Spirit. But it’s only just now that we can start this healing journey, and believe me, I want to heal. I’m so tired of the brokenness I feel. I just want to be whole and complete so that I can help others do the same.

            I feel like this is the legitimate first blog I have posted that isn’t about a particular subject. This is just me, raw and unashamed to admit that I have issues, insecurities, and a tiredness that I know God is going to handle up on. It’s not “if” but “when” with Him. I think I needed to get this out on paper in order to release it to Him, myself and to just be raw and transparent. This walk isn’t easy, but with Holy Spirit, it becomes less of a challenge and more of a journey of healing that only He can bring.

            Time to stop striving.

            Time to start abiding.

            Time to stop forcing myself to write.

            Time to let Holy Spirit corroborate with me to create a masterpiece that will help other people struggling with trauma and addiction.

            Time to live a life that I could only dream or imagine and one that is worthy of the sacrifice Jesus made for me 2000 years ago.

            Time to be free. Time to be me.