My entire adult like, I have struggled with addiction. Even after I met God, I got off methamphetamines and heroin and got onto kratom. My childhood was the “perfect” model of what not to do when things got hard: numb out and don’t acknowledge your feelings and under no circumstances think it’s safe to share them with anyone. Just recently, I have been able to maintain a better time being sober in 2026 than I have in the past 5 years I have been walking with God.

There have been times when I would self-sabotage and screw up because the pain felt too much or the fear felt too real and revert back to taking kratom, smoking cigarettes, or drinking alcohol to take the edge off. It helps for a minute, but I always end up feeling worse than before. Also, the enemy just feels like he’s bearing down on me so much worse to the point I have immense depression and anxiety either while I’m relapsing or in the days that follow.

“Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.” 1 Peter 2:11

            Honestly, it has been extremely frustrating for me, and it feels like it has been extremely frustrating for God too, but maybe I’m just being too hypercritical. God is patient and the times that I took those substances was never for more than a couple of days at a time in 2026. I am not justifying it, but I know God tends to be less harsh with me than I am with myself.

I grew up with angry parents so my default when I mess up is thinking that God is angry with me. Most of the time, I later find out that God was frustrated and/or grieved but not angry. There is a difference. But the crazy thing is once I apologize, He never brings it up again to rub in my face, something my parents would do when they were angry at me for something different.

“The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness” Exodus 34:6

I am still getting used to God’s correction and discipline being done out of love and not out of raw emotion. He is such a good Dad, and I have had a really hard time grasping just how good of a Father God really is. All He wants from me is to process the pain with Him, rather than shoving it down or numbing myself like I was unintentionally taught to do growing up.

            But I do have one thing to say: ADDICTION ENDS WITH ME.

            “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

No more curses that come from hiding feelings and numbing out with drugs and alcohol will stay in my family. God chose ME. I am the youngest and the least out of every one of my family members.

“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong.” 1 Corinthians 1:27

God has shown me a better way, but I’m still getting used to it. Sometimes, it involves going to the secret place with Holy Spirit and He extracts out of me what needs to come out and what has been bothering me. Other times, it involves telling a friend. I have noticed when something is at the surface, it can also show up as physical pain.

Our bodies hold onto trauma from infancy all the way into adulthood if it’s left unchecked. Numbing yourself only pushes it down. People who are extremely angry and/or violent are some of the most wounded and hurting people out there. The only way they handle their pain is to hurt other people. The old saying is true: hurt people hurt people.

 ^“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21

This is why it’s so important to try and not get offended when someone hurts you. 99% of the time, it’s because of how they were already feeling at the time, not just because of what you did. Someone who is perfectly healthy in their mind is not going to go out of their way to hurt someone. Someone who has deep soul wounds that have never been addressed has a soul that is full of infected scabs and open wounds that are tender to the touch. Imagine sticking your finger in someone’s open wound on purpose; they wouldn’t react very nicely to that in the physical sense. That’s what happens when you trigger someone emotionally, it’s like you’re sticking a finger in the open wound in their soul. You may have triggered them in some way or someone else triggered them earlier and you’re receiving the blowback from it.

I am working towards being whole, and I have been making a lot of progress this year. I have been running from the ways of God for almost 6 years, deceiving myself by thinking kratom made me act like a better Christian because I had a “better demeanor” that didn’t last and always got worse. But this is the year I stop and face my past with nothing to numb it. This is the year where I actually surrender and don’t pretend to be a better person, but be a better person because of the Holy Spirit.

I have something better than kratom. I have a God who is willing to heal me and not just cover it up like I have been doing my entire life. He is an incredible God and Father and all He wants is to heal us and serve us so that we may go and do likewise.

^“Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28