Amy Adams

El Rachum: The God of Mercy

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” Lamentations 3:22-25

What is mercy? Mercy is the compassionate kindness of God, which leads Him to withhold punishment and offer forgiveness and relief to those who don’t deserve it. At the end of the day, none of us deserve forgiveness. We have all fallen short in some form or other. “as it is written: ‘None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.’” Romans 3:10-12. This is a piece taken out of Psalm 53 and Psalm 14. It is basically saying there is no one in this world who can boast about being flawless… there is only One who managed to live out a perfect life of righteousness and His name is the name above all names: Jesus Christ. When I think about what He did for me and anyone who believes in His name, I am enamored by what Jesus did for me. He was fully man and fully God and came down to this earth and lived a perfect life to fill the righteous requirement to be the “propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10) and the perfect sacrifice.

Think about it. The love and mercy of God is that “God demonstrates His own love for us in that while we still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 I have screwed up so much in coming to the Lord and His great mercy is the fact that I’m still alive and in right standing with Him. I should be dead, many times over in the last 6 years but I’m still here. God is not done with us and doesn’t care about the mistakes of yesterday, the mistakes of last week, last month, or last year. He cares about seeing you prosper and helping you get to doing the thing He created you for, whatever that may be.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

This prophecy came when Israel had been exiled to Babylon and had to wait 70 years for this promise to come to pass. But even in the midst of living out their punishment for going after other gods, God still showed up with compassion and gave them a promise to bring them back to the promised land. So, even while you’re living out a punishment and having to face consequences for your actions, God still shows His love and mercy by never leaving your side. Everything you do bears weight, sometimes however, you don’t receive what you deserve because you pray to God for mercy and repent with a sincere heart. Rather than being punished severely or even a little bit, God will forgive and forget the whole thing when He sees you are truly remorseful for your actions. Now, habitually sinning and continuing in it will cause you to get the chastisement of God and that is extremely unpleasant. I have received chastisement more than once for not listening to what He said, but I have also been on the other side where I received mercy for something I should have been punished for.

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore, lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.” Hebrews 12:11, 12

One of the hardest things God has had to deal with me on and be super merciful towards is my rebellious spirit. I will be the first to admit that there is just something in me that makes me want to not listen and do the opposite of what He says sometimes or think that what He says isn’t really Him talking and it’s just me saying to do or not to do something. That happens more often than not. I have been extremely confused by other spirits that are not the Holy Spirit talking to me in my head too.

Not to mention, some people I have been mentored by seem to think that the Holy Spirit is only there for spiritual guidance rather than helping us in every area of our lives. I personally know that He has helped me with more than just spiritual guidance. He has helped me learn how to clean the house, talk to people who are hostile, how not to react when other people are rude, how to work out, how to not road rage, and so much more. Why can’t our Heavenly Father tell us how to live in everything we do? Not just spiritually, but in everything we need help with learning how to do in a righteous way. He is our Father, and an earthly father gets personal with his children so why shouldn’t our Heavenly Father be even more personal when He knows our thoughts before we do?

Our main goal as children of God is to be “holy as He is holy,” (1 Peter 1:16) which means we are to offer ourselves up as “living sacrifices,” (Romans 12:1) and do whatever He asks of us. That also means to start acting the way He acts, talking the way He talks and living the way He wants us to live. We give up our lives for Him because He already gave up His life for us. The hardest part is fully surrendering to God, something I have struggled and struggled with. But He has been so merciful and patient, and I really pray that I no longer go back to doing the things I used to in my old way of life. It is time I start walking in freedom and victory that Christ paid so dearly for me to have. Today is the day where you can continue doing what you have been doing or start walking in the calling that God has for your life. The choice is yours.

“But first and most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right – the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

“I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse; therefore, you shall choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the LORD your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding closely to Him; for He is your life [your good life, your abundant life your fulfillment] and the length of your days, that you may live…” Deuteronomy 30:19, 20

“Who remembered us in our lowly state

For His mercy endures forever;

And rescued us from our enemies,

For His mercy endures forever;

Who gives food to all flesh,

For His mercy endures forever.

Oh, give thanks to the God of heaven!

For His mercy endures forever.” Psalm 136:23-26

The Root of Rejection

For those of you who know, rejection hurts. So many people suffer from rejection and self-medicate with alcohol, weed, cigarettes, drugs, etc. Some people even go to lengths of self-mutilation by cutting themselves. I have to say that I have done all of these things, but it’s been years since I have cut myself. However, those who partake in drugs and alcohol don’t even realize that these coping mechanisms are forms of self-mutilation because it wears down the body over time, usually leading to premature death.

“If you see any brother or sister commit a sin that does not lead to death, you should pray and God will give him life—to those who commit sins that do not lead to death. There is sin that leads to death. I do not say that you should pray about that. All wrongdoing is sin, but there is sin that does not lead to death.” 1 John 5:16, 17

The thing that I have always had a hard time accepting is that God loves me unconditionally. It doesn’t matter what I do, He is still there willing to help me. What I have done is place too much weight and emphasis on people and in turn, have made people into idols, affecting my relationship with God. This is why God so emphatically says, “you shall have no other gods before me… for I am a jealous God.” Exodus 20:3, 5. Jealous in today’s terms holds a negative connotation but what this word jealous specifically talks about is God’s right to be worshipped above anything or anyone else in our lives. He gave us life, crafted us together in our mother’s womb, and if we choose to believe in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, gave us right to be His children.

“But to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.” John 1:12, 13 (ESV)

Placing too much weight on people causes our devotion for God to go down and our emptiness to go up. People will ALWAYS let us down at some point and when they do, we are crushed and broken. For me, that usually leads to self-harm by going to get kratom to numb the pain despite how I feel the next day. However, today was different. I didn’t want to keep getting it and the Holy Spirit didn’t want me to get it either. So, He had a friend who is filled with the Spirit call me and another one text me. Not to mention, God had me start writing about rejection and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.

The problem we face as humans is learning to accept the unwavering, unchanging love of God and let that be what fuels us into being better people who become capable of helping others who are struggling with self-worth.

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:16-18 (NIV)

Notice the word “rely.” Rely means we can put our weight on it, that we can be trusted that His love for us won’t waver when we mess up. When we can actually grasp and believe that God’s love is unshakeable, our foundation in His love becomes unshakeable. It is not based on what we do or don’t do, but on the precious blood of Jesus. If we are smart, we choose to listen to God and obey what He tells us to do. That is when blessings on blessings start to come in, and I’m not just talking about financial blessings but eternal blessings. We start to live life eternally rather than setting our minds on things in this world. We work to please God and act the way He would act. We choose not to continue to seek our own wants and needs but focus on what He wants for us, which funny enough, is actually what we end up wanting and needing. Who better to tell us how to live life than the one who gave us life? No one in this world, including ourselves, has the knowledge to know what one was created for except the Creator.

“You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Psalm 139:15, 16 (NLT)

“In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He existed in the beginning with God. God created everything through Him, and nothing was created except through Him.” John 1:1-3 (NLT)

God has shown me time and time again that no one can possibly invest as much time and energy into someone as God would. He is always there, always waiting, always wanting to help those who call on the name of the Lord. People will let you down. They may be busy, may not know the right things to say, or maybe not even care enough to help you because they’re hurting too. But God is perfect love. He doesn’t care about what you did yesterday or 10 years ago. He wants to prosper you and not harm you. He crafted you for a purpose, a purpose only He can show you how to live and walk out. So next time you are feeling the rejection of the world, fix your eyes on God and He will show you the unending love He has to offer.

“Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.Love never ends.” 1 Corinthian 13:4-8 (HCSB)

I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful…” Psalm 139:14 (HCSB)

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.” Hebrews 12:1, 2 (NLT)

Prayer of Consecration

I give my life to the Ancient of Days

Because He gave His life for me

My life is no longer my own

When He bled and died for me

The time has come to pick up my cross

And count everything else as loss

The time has come to be consecrated

And live a life fully dedicated

Living a life in total submission

Determined to complete God’s mission

That those who don’t know Jesus Christ

Can know His love and be enticed

To lay down their lives for the One

Who died for our sins and won

Let’s Play Ball

As I am watching my daughter’s softball game, I have been given the impression that most churches are like a 10U softball game: inexperienced, ineffective and immature. Our opponents are the devil, demons, and other spiritual hosts of wickedness. Most churches don’t even acknowledge the existence or power the devil has and do not engage whatsoever in spiritual warfare. That being said, demons (even the devil), are absolutely no match against Christ or those walking in their true identity in Christ. However, evil spirits are a match and very dangerous to people living in the world and Christians who are ignorant to the devil’s schemes. “…to keep Satan from taking advantage of us; for we are not ignorant to his schemes.” 2 Corinthians 2:11. This verse is talking about harboring offense towards someone, which is the quickest way the devil gains a foothold in our lives.

If this life were likened to a softball game, followers of Christ would be the players on the home team, let’s call them Team Jesus. The opponents would be the principalities, powers, and spiritual forces of evil; we will call them Team Satan. They can and do wreak havoc in your life if you do not pray against them when you feel led to and stay in total obedience to what God has called you to do. “His commandments are not burdensome” (1 John 5:3) and elevate you to your true potential. In fact, I have had many instances where the devil attacking me has brought me back to God when I was led astray.

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12 KJV

When you decide to go off and do your own thing and are continuously rebellious (whether intentional or unintentional), God will stop talking to you and His protection will start to lift. I have repeatedly lived in rebellion, and I pray that all my rebellion has been resolved for my sake. I will confess that I have not been the best player on Team Jesus, but I can say that it’s all about to change. “And behold, some are last who will be first, and some are first will be last.” Luke 13:30 I can tell you that part of my rebellion was from ignorance to His word and the other part was not trusting Him. Distrust can also put a rift in between you and God. It took me 4 years of pain to realize that the voice that has been speaking to me all along is the Holy Spirit. Discernment is crucial in this day and age. There is more evil in this world now more than ever.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV

There are a few coaches in this spiritual “ball game.” I use the term “ball game” loosely because this is not a game: it is life and death. “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore, choose life, that both you and your descendants may live.” Deuteronomy 30:19. Obviously, Holy Spirit, Jesus and the Father are the head coaches, but there are a few more coaches to keep in mind that are of this world. Prophets, apostles, preachers, and elders are what I would call assistant coaches. Not everyone is called to leadership roles because they are held at a higher standard and strictness. God makes natural born leaders that are capable of teaching His church. Personally, I am not in a leadership role yet, but I know that God has called me to be an apostle. I can recollect being picked to lead for class projects/assignments, different games, and have held managerial roles in the past. I have had troubles and downfalls that have led me away from leadership, but God can always restore what the enemy stole.

“Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.” James 3:1-2 ESV

God calls some to be teachers, some to be apostles, and others prophets, but that doesn’t mean are all called to leadership roles. Oftentimes they are the most unlikely of people that have experienced severe trauma and spiritual oppression, probably because the devil knew they would be a huge threat to him when they were born. They are a diamond in the rough. I come from a family of preachers who were corrupted by the devil when my pap became a mason. There are families of preachers who work with God and are blessed for many generations. Then, some if not most families become corrupted by the devil and end up being cursed for 3 or 4 generations.

“The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and fourth generation.” Exodus 34:7

Unless God directs you towards leadership, I would not pursue it. I have a passion for leading people in whatever I do, and I don’t know why. It’s just a desire that has always burned inside of me. There are other people in the body who are better suited to serve in generosity, evangelism, intercession, etc. I enjoy speaking about God to small groups, but I don’t know if I have been called to preach the word to a congregation or huge groups of people.

There are many more spectators than players in this spiritual battle. I have been guilty of being one of them. God has showed me just how irritating it is to be welcomed into His kingdom and then feel entitled to do whatever you want without participating in this serious battle. But how can you even participate in something you have no idea about? Or how can you witness to people when you have trouble talking to strangers because of a deep-seated fear of man? You can’t. This is where the Holy Spirit comes in. God knows you are trying to please Him and as long as you don’t turn your back on Him, God will lead you, into the new you and the identity He has called you to be. This God-given identity is the real you, the one God placed on the inside of you when He “knit you together in your mother’s womb.”

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14

Church leaders are great for building up the saints but first, God must work on the leaders before they can lead others properly. It is very hard to lead when you’re not sure if you’re being led by the Spirit of God or even being led in the right way by the Spirit of God. There are some things God does not tell certain people because they couldn’t handle the information He has to present, so sometimes He has others present info to prepare them for the information that God has been waiting to present. We all have a specific role that God has called us to fill. It is about surrendering our fears, our doubts, our uncertainties, our ways, and our wills to Christ so that Christ can have an efficient and effective church. Some churches are doing things the way God wants them to do while others are not even scratching the surface of the authority that has been given to them by being a Child of God. It is time to get our heads in the game and serve the Lord with everything we have!

“He who descended is the one who also ascended far above the heavens, the He might fill all things. And He gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son Of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.” Ephesians 4:9-14

Deprogramming Music

God has been showing me that certain songs that I listened to when I was growing up have programmed me into repetitiously sinning against Him. Deprogramming me from the music and lifestyle I lived before Christ hasn’t been easy. Music gets ingrained in the brain for decades. There are songs I can sing off the top of my head to this day that I learned when I was a kid or a song will start playing somewhere and I will know the lyrics immediately.

“Weak” by AJR and “Oops I Did It Again” by Britney Spears are just a couple of the many songs I listened to over and over. I specifically remember the Holy Spirit pointing these songs out to me as a reason I have struggled so much with substance abuse. They programmed me into a weak-minded individual who was constantly apologizing for sinning. My naivety and gullibility didn’t help either. I am grateful for the mercy of God. I have taken full responsibility for my sin and God has removed it as far as the East is from the West, but it’s crazy to know that music has played such a pivotal role in programming me. The only way to combat and erase sinful tendencies is with God’s word, Gospel songs, prayer and time in the secret place. This will erase the hold these songs have had in me.

This knowledge doesn’t give me a right to sin against God. It does however make me aware of the power of music and the seriousness of singing songs repetitiously. I know I’m not the only one who has struggled with being deprogrammed from mainstream music by the Holy Spirit. There are so many people out there who have met God but have struggled with sin because of the power of the music they listened to growing up. Most don’t even realize that is exactly why they are struggling.

The devil was the worship leader in heaven before his rebellion got him kicked out. His body had musical instruments and precious gems on it. Ezekiel 28:13: “The workmanship of your timbrels and pipes was prepared for you on the day you were created.” I have also heard a prophet/seer named Micah Turnbo confirm his appearance when he was translated back in time and saw Lucifer before he fell. He was the most beautiful and stunning out of all the angels that God created. His vanity caused him to be prideful and caused his downfall. He hates us and we were one of the reasons he rose against God, which is why he works through people and makes secular music that programs us to do his will and not God’s.

To be transparent, I have struggled with kratom addiction since meeting God for almost 4 years now. God told me I could take it for pain but every time He told me to stop, I was rebellious and didn’t listen. I have also been continuously deceived by myself and the devil. I have been attacked and plagued with anxiety and fear that God is going to leave me. I have also been extremely ashamed of my addiction. But this shame stops now and this fear that God is going to leave me stops now. The devil can’t make me feel shame for something that is brought to the light. Not only that, but God showed me yesterday that this was my Goliath and we got it right in between the eyes when He showed me a verse in my mind.

1 Samuel 17:49: “Then David put his hand in his bag and took out a stone; and he slung it and struck the Philistine in his forehead so that the stone sank into his forehead, and he fell on his face to the earth.”

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

I have felt compelled to write this for some time now and have had a fear under the surface that the devil is going to attack me for writing this and have refrained, but I have come to the realization that I have been foolish in this thought process. I am a child of God and it’s time I started acting like it. He knows who I am even when I question it.

“Nevertheless, the firm foundation of God [which He has laid] stands [sure and unshaken despite attacks], bearing this seal: “The Lord knows those who are His,” and, “Let everyone who names the name of the Lord stand apart from wickedness and withdraw from wrongdoing.” 2 Timothy 2:19

Just as music can be used for destruction of morals, it can be used for healing and getting stronger in the Lord when singing gospel music. Not only that, but the frequency 444 Hz actually has the ability to physically heal you. Certain frequencies have the ability to heal whereas others have the ability to destroy. There is a Christian band I listen to right now called Mountains in the Sea that has some songs in 444 Hz and they sing some songs with scripture in it. Psalms are music that has transcended time and survived thousands of years and translations.

1 Samuel 16:16 ESV: “Let our lord now command your servants who are before you to seek out a man who is skillful in playing the lyre, and when the harmful spirit from God is upon you, he will play it, and you will be well.”

God knew what He was doing when He brought music into existence. It is extremely sad that His lead worship leader (Lucifer) decided to rebel against Him and get kicked out of heaven. It’s heartbreaking to know that God’s creation that was created for good to make beautiful music was corrupted by his thoughts about himself and us. Now, he is a weapon used for evil, corrupting people in their ignorance through music that has a catchy beat and makes you feel some type of way. I feel for God because what happened to the devil happens with us every time we choose our way over His. Our selfish motives not only hurt Him but it hurts us in the long run.

“The world is passing away, along with its desires; but whoever does the will of God abides forever.” 1 John 2:17

I know better than anyone that the fleshly desires are dangerous and certain music arouses those fleshly desires. Don’t think you can listen to a song that talks about sex and drugs and not be affected by it sooner or later, especially if you have a family history of drug and alcohol abuse and problems with lust. The devil knows this and uses it to his advantage. It activates the generational curses you have inside of you via your DNA. Just like certain diseases run in families, so do certain iniquities.

“You shall not bow down to them or serve them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate Me…” Deuteronomy 5:9

However, God knows just how important music is too and uses those gifted with singing to help sing songs that are uplifting and talk about Him.

At the end of the day, it’s all about what you choose to entertain and listen to. Are you going to feed your flesh with songs of sensuality or are you going to feed your spirit with songs of holiness and worship? The choice is yours.

“I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live” Deuteronomy 30:19

Fleshly Desires

I have been looking at something that I have had a problem with in the past and have truly been wondering what makes something a fleshly desire. I believe God has taken me on this journey to show me how something that doesn’t start out as a fleshly desire can become one and then that fleshly desire soon turns into sin, because it takes the place of God and becomes an idol. The thing that I have had a problem figuring out is a substance called kratom, something that I believe God told me He put on this earth to help people with pain, but only acute pain and was never intended to be taken long term. Truly, any substance that produces a feeling of euphoria has the potential for abuse, like alcohol, weed, or pain killers.

Fleshly desires cause you to feel disconnected from God, even though He is still right there. It will get you further away from the frequency it takes to hear the Holy Spirit. They cause you to be full of fear instead of full of faith. What might start out as something innocent becomes something that makes you question your identity in Christ. That is around the time that you should be praying to God for help to get you off it and He will deliver you. “I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:3. I have had a bit of a rough time in dealing with this particular substance because unlike most others, this is one that you can function on easily without feeling overly intoxicated, like alcohol or marijuana. God also showed me while taking kratom that there are a lot of people who are struggling to get off it. I talked to one person who took it for 8 years straight. That is a long time to be on anything.

God has shown me that people are easily swayed to continue doing something that feels good and even continue doing it when it doesn’t. This is very dangerous because kratom is particularly bad on your liver and kidneys, something most people aren’t aware of until it’s too late. And as if that is not bad enough, once you stop taking it, you experience withdrawals likened to coming off heroin, but not nearly as bad (I have come off both). To top it off, your brain has a hard time producing dopamine the way it used to. For me, that’s not been such a big deal because I have God in my life and I truly believe He fixed my brain so that I didn’t feel that, except for the first couple of weeks coming off kratom when I had stayed on it for 6 months.

The devil will try and convince you to get back on it if you are a child of God and will take out his heaviest arsenal, making you question God talking to you, giving you horrible anxiety and depression. Sometimes the attacks are unrelenting. However, I have come to find that when I meditate on God’s word and remember Isaiah 26:3: “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.” The enemy is good at putting bad thoughts in your head and making it seem like those thoughts are your thoughts. You must come into your identity and remember who you are and WHO’s you are… A Child of the KING of Kings. The Lord loves His children and if you ask Him for anything without wavering on Him answering, He will answer you. His guidance can also offer a way of escaping from the situation. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be temptedbeyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

And when I tell you that the devil is good at making you forget, I mean he’s cunning and gives you spiritual amnesia. He puts a spirit of confusion on you and makes you forget about your interactions with God, almost like you haven’t spoken to God in ages, when in fact, you have. God has been having me write things down as proof that I have spoken to Him and it has helped me tremendously remember things, although I still freak out for a little bit until I remember to look. Everyone has times where their faith wavers, but when you have indulged in fleshly desires, sometimes it really wages war against your soul. “Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul;”1 Peter 2:11

On this journey with God, I have pondered why a fleshly lust is so detrimental and towards the end of It, I have seen it makes you question yourself in Christ. Also, I see it makes you feel so awkward mentally and makes you question whether God loves you or not. At least that has been the case for me.

This certain fleshly desire to kratom has shown me just how weak-minded certain substances make people in the long run. We were never meant to feel weak like that. We are children of God and are meant to feel empowered because He made us in HIS IMAGE AND HIS LIKENESS. By that definition, we are not weak by any means when we walk the path He has for us. Withdrawing from it made me feel so full of fear and anxious because it affected my limbic system badly, and that is only using on and off for 2 months. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like quitting it after doing it for years. It felt like the gates of hell were going to prevail against me, the fear was so bad.

It doesn’t matter what your fleshly desire is, whatever it is: money, power, fame, substances, gossiping etc. There is always a mountain you have to climb to get to your next high. You must continue to increase whatever desire you have to find contentment, but at the end of the day, nothing will give you fulfillment like walking in the life God has called you to. You can and do live in a constant state of joy and peace, within reason, but almost to the point that circumstances that would undo most people don’t phase you like it phases others. What the world calls foolishness, God calls wisdom and what the world calls wisdom and satisfaction, God calls foolishness.

A lot of people are going to think that this wasn’t God, but I truly know that it was because he told me to stop a few weeks before I stopped. He told me to stop when it was about to become a fleshly desire, staying within the confines of His word. I have to say now that I noticed when it shifted from not being a desire of the flesh to being one and then there was a certain point where He said that from that day forward, it would be considered sin. God didn’t want me to experience this level of intensity on the withdrawals mentally and emotionally, but I know now that a fleshly desire is something that comes in all forms. It is not just a substance that makes you feel something, but it is anything that has the ability to become an idol or an unrighteous act. It starts out innocent but gets worse over time. Be advised that these things will hurt you and God wants nothing but the best for His children.

Pray and ask God if there is anything in your life that has a stronghold on you and needs to be removed and see what He says. He will lead you out of it. All you need to do is repent, turn towards Him, and ask Him for help. Once He tells you what to do, you must listen and obey what He tells you, otherwise you will stay where you were.

Marriage and Communion with God

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ⁸Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:4-8

With households becoming more unpredictable and family life becoming much more hectic than ever before, there are more and more people nowadays struggling with identity issues. There is a reason for all these wanky thought patterns, whether it be from LGBTQ+ to anxious attachments, there is a STRONG need for Christ followers to rise up and stop playing around with the gifts and callings that God has given to each one of us.

Moms were always meant to stay at home to raise their children along with incorporating a bigger, God-ordained calling outside of just being a housewife. Why do you think there was such a major rise in popping pills and the pharmaceutical industry in the 60s and 70s from house moms staying at home doing nothing and getting bored when their kids went to school? Also, why do you think that drug use is on the rise period?? Because people have lost their true identities and when you lose your identity and don’t know that you have a God-given calling, you get bored, depressed, anxious, angry, and potentially addicted to kill whatever pain is growing on the inside. I know this better than most because my mammaw was a pill popper, my mom was an alcoholic, and I was a full-blown junkie before God got a hold of me. I can say with certainty that it’s time to stop medicating and covering up our problems with pharmaceutical drugs and be healed completely by the One who knows us by name and created us for the purpose of being loved by Him.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

There is this term I came across called anxious attachment style, which is cultivated from not having a stable but rather unpredictable household. Most, if not all people from broken households struggle with this in some form or fashion. This is something I have unknowingly struggled with. God is showing me how to break this mindset and truly find freedom in knowing that God loves me unconditionally, I never have to worry about Him leaving me or forsaking me and that I never have to fear anything anymore. Children will not be well-rounded if the parents are not well-rounded. That is just common sense. Anxious attachment style displays itself in many ways, and I am starting to see this now in myself and in my past relationships and in my current relationship with God.

Some of the characteristics a person with anxious attachment style displays is a need for constant reassurance, validation, and affirmation of their partner’s love and commitment to them and feel very uncomfortable when they don’t receive it. They are afraid of rejection, which will lead to anxiety and overreaching attempts to gain closeness again. Anxious attachments can make people clingy and needy, causing them to want to spend a lot of time with whoever they’re attached to, leading to separation anxiety. Jealousy plays a huge role in this person’s behavior as well, feeling threatened by other people and often leading to erratic behavior and taking their jealousy out on other people or the person they’re attached to. Having unhealthy boundaries causes them to struggle with respecting that person’s space and prioritizing that person’s needs above their own.

Negative self-perception also comes from anxious attachment styles. We were never meant to think of ourselves as less than what we are: a miracle that God pre-ordained before the foundation of the world to have a relationship with Him and walk in the specific calling He made us for. “Even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him.” Ephesians 1:4. Overthinking and ruminating about mistakes or things that have happened is another common thing that someone with this anxious thought process has. Personally, I have found it really hard to let go of things I have done to people, things other people have done to me, and beating myself up over silly mistakes that most people wouldn’t even think twice about. I frustrate myself more than anything most of the time, but that is not how my story will end. Anyone who truly follows Christ and lays down their life for Him will begin and end in victory and all those years stuck in broken mindsets will be gone. Life truly begins when you lay your life down for the God who knows you better than anyone.

“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 16:25

That being said, traditionally, men weren’t just supposed to be the bread winners and providers. They were supposed to have a partnership with their spouse in whatever God called them to do, complimenting each other. “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18. A husband was never meant to provide for his family by working and never be at home while a wife was never meant to stay at home cleaning the house and raising kids. So, what happened? We lost sight of God and started focusing on what we wanted or thought we wanted. The great news is He never lost sight of us. I believe He is raising up men and women to be strong in Him and then bring them together to be ultimate power couples for the kingdom of God. He has told me that getting a right relationship with Him first is crucial before bringing a strong, godly man in my life to marry. I believe He is doing this with multiple men and women across the world. Think about it like this: it’s a lot easier to work with one individual and their individual problems than it is to work with 2 individuals and their individual problems at the same time. They can destroy each other before God’s work is finished. It’s not impossible but it’s not expedient either.

If men and women nowadays that have been absent of God most of their life come into a relationship with God, they need time with God before coming into a relationship with another person, namely a like-minded believer. They need to learn how to drop their anxious, destructive thought processes by learning how to trust in God while learning how to be loyal and faithful to God too. They need to have a healthy relationship with God before they would be able to come into a relationship with another believer. God has to take a lot of crap depending on how broken that person is, and He doesn’t want another person to have to go through some of the mistreatment and infidelity He goes through with a broken person. Not only that, but a believer is ready for a relationship, it can’t be with a non-believer. It could completely immobilize and debilitate any destiny the believer has with God. I have seen how one spouse was a believer in a relationship with God while the other was a believer but had no relationship with God. The man tried several times to start a church and every time, it failed. Not because the man wasn’t a man of God but because the wife wasn’t a strong woman of God. The wife unintentionally stole his God-given destiny.

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

Men and women are meant to compliment each other. They are meant to help each other and work side by side, hopefully doing work for the kingdom of God. They are not meant to out rank the other because one does more than the other, but rather they are supposed to help each other when it comes to any endeavor God has called them to. Before He can bring two like-minded believers together, He must fix a few things, change a few perceptions, and clean up whatever mess the world created in that man or woman. Sometimes it could take weeks for a person to be healed and cleansed if they have the right church discipling them. Unfortunately, it could also take years depending on the willingness and attitude of the believer God is cultivating. All need deliverance from spirits and mindsets and if the church isn’t equipped to do that, it’s a problem, but not a problem too big for God to get around.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

So, if you’re lonely and you are currently working on yourself and have a relationship with the Lord, take heart because God knows that you shouldn’t be alone any longer than you need to be and you deserve to have a spouse who compliments you in every way. Get plugged into a church that will hold you accountable and offer deliverance and healing. Lean into God and He will get you there, make your paths straight, and give you the desires of your heart when you delight yourself in Him.

Freedom In Christ

No longer will the enemy block me

Nothing in heaven or on earth can stop me

As long as God’s got me.

Complaining anymore is out of the question

Grumbling the last few years has brought some devastation.

I’m breaking off idols with God’s help too

In a sincere effort to get to see His point of view.

The Most High is breaking strongholds

And busting me out of my old molds.

All things are made new with Yahweh’s Spirit inside of me

Holding tightly to His hand as He leads and guides me.

He’s getting me closer to the way He intended me to be

Praise be to the Most High, the One who sets us free!

The Crushing

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world, ye will have tribulation: but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Our faith must be tested through trials to prove its genuineness. I have been guilty of turning away from God when trials come because I believed that He was punishing me and that I did something wrong, but that’s just not true. If I really lean on His word, I know these momentary troubles won’t last and not only that, but I can find joy in tests and tribulations.

“My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” James 1: 2-4

Many are called to come to Christ, but few are chosen because most people can’t handle the intense crushing that has to take place to remove all of our impurities. Just like when making a quality wine, the grapes must be crushed to get wine. Crushing is essential to preparing the wine. When people crush wine with their feet like in the old days rather than mechanically, they have the ability to control the tannin levels and influence the wine’s character. That is exactly what God is doing when He allows these trials in your life. He knows what He’s doing a lot better than we do. He crushes us to produce the fruit of the Spirit and draws out the impurities from our souls. He knows how to bring forth good wine/faith in all His children and it is not really our business to ask about His methods, but rather trust that He knows what He’s doing when He’s trying to shape you into the person He originally intended you to be.

Not only that, but the grapes then must be fermented then aged to bring about the perfect wine. The process of producing faith and the fruit of the Spirit is just like that. Faith gets stronger and better with age and increases even more when you start stepping out in faith. It is extremely important to trust in God and follow His directions and let Him lead you through the hard times. Just like wine, you must be crushed and purified to get to a state of total trust and dependence on the Vintner (winemaker) of your life. He says repeatedly, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9.

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6

When you doubt that God’s in control, worry and fear creeps in, which opens a doorway to the demonic to wreak havoc on your life. Faith is so important to our walk with Christ and is paramount to getting to the next level of your relationship with God. If you don’t step out in faith and trust, you can’t please God. During the time of crushing, God is molding you into who He originally intended you to be, and though it might take a while, after the process of making you into “new wine” is over, that is the time where your ministry can truly begin. It doesn’t matter if you want to be a pastor of a church. Not everyone is meant for that kind of ministry. Others are meant to work behind the scenes by praying in intercession, healing the sick, casting out demons, and most importantly, “putting on Christ” towards everyone they encounter. This can only be done properly when the purification and sanctification process is finished, or when God’s “winemaking process” is finished. I heard that if you still have wounds you haven’t dealt with and ongoing sin, you can’t help others and it’s true. Jesus Himself said this, “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5.

God is the Ultimate Vintner (winemaker). Sometimes, the process of God making us into new wine can take a short time, or for others who rebel and/or led astray, it can take years. I used to think that I would always have to deal with offenses until one man, who had a very similar background to mine said that Jesus and His word have transformed his heart and mind so much that he has lived years without taking offense from anyone he has encountered. He couldn’t do it in his own strength but fully leaning on God’s word and getting the love of the Father in him, he came to a point where he could walk in love and live without offense. Isn’t that incredible?! I want to live from a place of pure love so much and now that I know it’s attainable, it has gotten me back into God’s word and seeking His face more. I just want people to know the love of God and I have been misrepresenting Him poorly, not because of anything He’s done but because of my stubbornness and unwillingness to strive for that relationship with Christ. My selfishness has kept me from experiencing the love of the Father, but I am working with God now more than ever to get to that state of being Christ-like.

“That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death… Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ.” Phillippians 3: 10, 12

The Stony Heart

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“Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away…But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy received it; Yet hath he not root in himself but endured for a while: for when tribulation and persecution arises because of the word, by and by he is offended.”

Matthew 13: 5, 6, 20, 21

I have been trying to follow Christ (very poorly) for about 4 years now, but it’s time for a change. It is time to rise up out of the ashes of my mistakes and stop being afraid of what other people think of me or if God has my back or not. There are times when I feel so strong in the Lord and I’m full of joy because everything is going right. Then, there are other times when I am so depressed and angry because of Murphy’s Law of everything that can go wrong does go wrong in overdrive, but these bad things are trials sent to test my faith and I am just now seeing it crystal clear for the first time.

I am tired of the highs and lows because the bible says to “rejoice in tribulations” (Romans 5:3). I have yet to master that art because of the stony heart that I have grown accustomed to having, but that stops here. Rejoice also means glory in the King James Version and the definition of that means “to take great pride or pleasure in.” How can one take pleasure in pain? By focusing on the fact that God is testing you and shaping you more and more into His image and likeness.

“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brethren throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5: 6-11

Peter really knew what he was talking about. It seems like every time I get through a trial or tribulation, I look back and realize why God did let these bad things happen. I need to have a better attitude from now on and trust God to see me through to the other side. I know now that the pain and trouble won’t last but like most people, it’s easy to get in our feelings and our flesh and become angry and offended that God would allow such horrible things to happen. But it’s for our good. ALL OF IT! “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28. Every single time, I have always felt bad for not trusting Him because He has always come in clutch for me. I have likened the breadcrumbs of His Presence and His Ways that He has left to be like puzzle pieces fitting together or a zipper zipping up with how precise and fitting all the bad things align up to bring out something good. I haven’t written in months because my tablet screen broke and then out of nowhere, my stepdad got a laptop because my daughter wanted one. God knew that I couldn’t afford one right away and made a way for me to start writing again.

“For I consider [from the standpoint of faith] that the sufferings of the present life are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us!” (Romans 8:18). We must stop thinking that God doesn’t have a plan for all the bad things that happen or for the intentional trials He puts us through to test our faith. Not only that, but sometimes, He will let it get bad to push you back towards something that He has been asking you to do all along, because He knows that you’ll find peace and joy in it, whether it be writing, seeking His face, reading His word, etc.

It’s time to take our stony hearts and let the Holy Spirit repurpose them into hearts of flesh that are full of the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, temperance. (Galatians 5: 22, 23)

“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall seek my judgements, and do them.” Ezekiel 36:26, 27