“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

A couple of nights ago, Holy Spirit showed me a painful event from my past that I had no recollection of in my dreams. He then explained what it meant when I went to Him in prayer. It truly explained why I was always trying to perform and do to get love and why I was attracted to people who would reject me rather than love me like I deserved and why I took the people who did love me well for granted. It’s a bit painful but here’s the dream:

My mom and dad were laying down, and she was just trying to be close to him and cuddle. But my dad didn’t want to cuddle, and I believe he told her to stop and when she wouldn’t, he shoved her and got up. I guess I was in the bed too and when he got up, he pushed me a little bit and it startled me and I started to cry. Rather than pick me up and console me, my dad told my mom, “Look what you made me do,” and walked out. My mom started crying and I went over to her and gave her kisses on the forehead. My Aunt (dad’s sister) came in and started talking to her and they both completely ignored me and were just focused on each other.

            That’s where the dream ended. Even writing it right now, it is extremely hard to type, and my reaction shows me that the dream was real and it really happened to me. Around the time it happened was the first and only time I went to Florida to visit my dad’s side of the family. I wasn’t even 2 years old and have no formal memory of this event. I know from past experiences that I tend to push away the people who genuinely care about me.       

            The way that Holy Spirit explained it was that I wanted to be comforted and was hoping in comforting my mom, that we would bond and she would comfort me too. But that didn’t happen. Instead, I was neglected and it’s painful to even think about the idea that I might have done something like that to my daughter when I was in my alcoholic phase. There’s a chance that it’s possible.

Anyway, God says that I have been performing for Him and getting resentful towards Him and myself because I am struggling to live up to the impossible standard that I have set for myself thinking that it was God that was setting it for me. But in hindsight, I have been exhausted for so long with an incessant need to prove myself and my worth to Him. But my worth was shown by Jesus when He took the nails for me on the cross.

            He gets frustrated at me when I strive, not like a mean anger but like a grieving one that is constantly trying to slow me down and remind me that my worth was determined at the cross where Jesus chose to die a horrific death for all my sins. The way I know that I am forever changed is not only by my outward actions but by the promised Holy Spirit.

            I have been stuck in survival mode for so long that I don’t know what normal feels like. I don’t know what abiding feels like on a consistent basis. All I do know is that I have felt many times what it’s like to walk in the Spirit and then when I screw up, I immediately start questioning my salvation and hating myself rather than loving myself like Jesus, Holy Spirit, and Father God does. It says this in the Word: “Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.” 1 Peter 2:11

            I know that I have taken substances in the past as some kind of relief and it no longer suits me to continue taking these things. It helps for a minute but makes it worse in the long run. My life is better without those things and God is working on healing my heart a little bit at a time and trying to free me from the “performance-based mindset” and the “strive for His affection mindset.” So many bad things happen to children, and most parents don’t do it intentionally, while some do. But we can be sure that God can and does heal all the wounds from our past and restores our soul if we will just let Him.

“When my father and mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me.” Psalm 27:10

“The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul…” Psalm 23:1-3